It was 5th grade when I experienced a glimpse of consciousness beyond wanting to have a partner. During this time in my life my eyes were only open to playing with friends and chasing boys. I remember the events that unraveled within the week it happened. A brown eyed boy in my class asked me to be his girlfriend. At the time it made my kid brain feel my life had more meaning. This concept of the normality for children to date today makes me confused where we went wrong. I’ll save that conversation for another day, lets get back to the story. So, during that week there was a scheduled field trip to see the local orchestra. I remember being nervous, my mind was hyper focused on being able to sit next to him while he held my hand, and what the feeling would be like. The day arrived and I remember following our class to our seats and as we got settled in the lights started to dim. He smiled at me as you can imagine a young boy doing and put his hand on mine. I giggled, my heart started to beat faster and then these heavy red curtains opened. The lights became focused on these distant strangers all with a range of instruments in their hands. I hear from down below a few taps from what I know my younger self would now call “a magic wand.” The music starts to get louder and the moment was no longer about this boy.

I begin to feel curiosity spread throughout my body, all the way from the little hairs on my arms to the blood beating from my heart. I slowly let go of his hand, and lean into the strings of a violin and my heart takes interest in the trombone. I take a breath of overwhelm and am in full gratitude that this exists at the same time I do. I’m no longer a kid in 5th grade existing within third dimensional desires. I was one with this vibrational wave.

This was 11 years ago. Since then culture, trauma and human programming has brainwashed me into believing that being in love with another human is why I exist. I was not conscious of that programming until I was 23 and even today at 29 years old it is such a battle against myself. In each battle that is won I win new pieces of myself. It exposes pieces of my soul that were never explored. Its like in GTA when a piece of the map gets unlocked from accomplishing a mission, where new land is exposed with new opportunity and people. Within my soul, its new territory where I can move beyond my old patterns. Now, when I lose these battles I lose confidence, i reach for those old habits, more trauma is unlocked from childhood and shadows are met at every corner. I have go through holes of darkness that were deeper than the dimensions that Alice fell in. Instead of chasing a white rabbit I’m in search of the moment at the orchestra.

The search continues…